Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I almost didn't make it to Utah to see you before you passed away. I kept putting it off and putting it off because to make the decision meant acknowledging that you were leaving us. It was Olivia that finally pushed me into reality when she practically begged me to let her see you one more time. I forced myself into clarity, for her, and made the decision to pack up my family and leave home indefinately. The heartache was almost unbearable and somehow I was able to numb myself into action. Grief is a powerful emotion, our family knows it well after losing Jer Bear. (Give him a huge hug from me by the way....) I will always be grateful to Olivia for pushing me. I cringe at the thought that I might not have seen you hold Rocco and hear you sing him that song you sang, even while you struggled to speak...of not hearing you nickname him the "Italian Stallion" :). I would have missed you holding Olivia and telling her to watch out for "fleas." I wouldn't have seen you hold DeAndre's hand and heard you tell him that he has God-given talents and that he must remain humble. I wouldn't have seen the heartache in their eyes as they hugged you goodbye. Their tears for you made me see them in a new light...their vulnerability and tenderness. What beautiful children I have...I wouldn't have known that you "trusted me with your life" and that you thought Matt and I "were two of the greatest people you have ever known." I have learned that we cannot avoid suffering because through it there is beauty and we change in ways that wouldn't be possible without it. Sadness is necessary as it is part of the human condition and we all need to be reminded once in awhile that we are fragile and have more learning to do. Thank you for being my dad. Thank you for loving my children and for appreciating all those things about me that also drove you crazy! I miss your kind and smiling eyes, I miss your laugh, I miss your strength, I miss hearing your voice on the other end of the phone, the messages you left singing us "Happy Birthday, " I miss hearing you call me "sweetheart."
Until we meet again,