Monday, August 4, 2014

Dear Rocco...

My darling a few weeks you begin a whole new adventure.  Lucky for starts out slowly, with half day Kindergarten...just 3 hours a day.  The hardest part, besides missing your every move for those 3 hours is to put you on a school bus!  I mean, you still sit in a booster seat in Mommy's am I supposed to put you on a bus all alone?  I know that I will be holding back tears as I say goodbye,  as I tell you to find your brave heart and summon up all your courage and remind you that I believe in many times I have uttered these words to you...and I watch you trust me because I am mommy and you have faith that I will always keep you safe...this responsibility is overwhelming as I send you off to school.  I am filled with hope that you will thrive and pride in all that you are.  How lucky your class is to have you in it.  A little boy that loves, hugs and tries to save trees and makes friends with the deer in his backyard...the little boy with the tender heart, that cares about others' feelings and does what he can to help.  No one's sadness goes unnoticed with you in the are genuine and compassionate.  A little boy who is SMART!  I am still amazed that you taught yourself how to read...I love reading books with you and watching the concentration in your face as you sound out words that seem to hard for you to get...but you do it and I smile and squeeze you and praise your hard work.  A little boy that asks questions about life and death and the stars and the planets and the world and the dinosaurs...a little boy that cried when he learned that wooly mammoths are extinct because you never got to see them...your questions and insight show what a deep and spiritual person you are intrinsically.  Daddy and I have to carefully answer all your questions because you will catch us if we aren't accurate...if the explanation doesn't make sense.  A little boy that so loves his the point of swallowing all your fears in swim class after Roman looked up at you and asked you to keep him safe.  I watched you look down at him, hug him and shake your head yes...even in your fear of dunking your head, you encouraged your brother so he could do it!  A little boy that lets his brother win...because you understand that he is little and that winning is less important than making him smile.  A little boy that giggles and plays and loves video games and sneaking gulps of Mommy's soda...a little boy with the most beautiful eyes...from the moment of your birth, Daddy and I have been enraptured by your big, bright eyes...and the sweet soul we see behind them.  A little boy...with a sense of justice and a feisty little attitude...I love your sassy reminds me that I am in you...that you are part of me.  I told you once that magic happened when the nurse touched your newborn cheek to mine...the magic of falling in love...and every night when we say sweet touch your little cheek to mine so I can feel the magic again.  I do Rocco, I feel it every night.  Thank you for giving me that little gift of you...oh how I will miss you...but I believe in you and your brave heart!  Welcome to Kindergarten baby!  I love you endlessly...mommy

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Graduation and family visits...

He graduates! 

Enjoying opening his graduation gift...

My Aunt...with baby Mackenzie...I had not seen my Aunt in over 20 years...we re-connected on FB and she came to VA. for DeAndre's her!

My niece Jenny with her precious baby girl...I bonded with that baby and miss her so!  

Every trip to the Museum of Natural History in DC ends in a picture of this guy...the boys LOVE here he is...enjoy...?

Isn't she lovely?  A truly beautiful person and momma!  So grateful that she flew across the country with 3 kids to see us!

This sweet, sweet baby...

Sisters!  Kaydence and Baby Mac!

Caleb is all smiles!

Enjoying family...


Radford already?!

Totally enjoyed DeAndre's graduation as we were able to share it with family that we haven't seen in years....our boys met some of their cousins and got to experience the joy that comes with live-in playmates...and maybe some of the trauma!  Little Roman, used to being the baby...took issue with Mackenzie...upon her arrival as she stared at him with her bright blue eyes in curiosity...he yells..."Ah, tell that little kid to stop looking at me."  For the rest of their time, Roman recoiled at the sight of her...closing his eyes and demanding she stop looking at him...why we would ask...why don't you want her to look at you...she is curious we explained, trying to learn about the world and so she observes everything..."well she gives me the creepes (pronounced CREEP-ESSS)"  I apologized over and over for his behavior...feeling so bad that he was creeped out by this precious girl...and still we tried...Jenny and I at one point telling him that she really likes him...because sure enough anytime he was in the room her eyes made her way right to she wanted to see what he was doing...he sighs and says, "Let me do this AGAIN, (he looks at his hands and points to each finger as he says these words), "NO BABIES ALLOWED IN THIS HOUSE."  I am sure that someday, the two of them will be the best of friends!  

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

What is happening...?

Overwhelmed...this is possibly the craziest year of my married life..4 fluid kids moving in and out and up and many changes have my head spinning...and often this profound sadness settles in and hangs over my head at all I say goodbye to this year.  My he graduates from high school and moves on to baby Rocco as he leaves the safety of my arms and the peace of home, where whatever he loved and embraced and on into the world of school...where he must navigate so much more and I hope...hope so hard that we have instilled enough confidence, enough guts, enough bravery to come home feeling whole after he enters the world away from us...and Olivia as she struggles to find her place in the world...her sweet soul trying to find that place that feels like home.  Looks like Arizona might be that place and so I cling to whatever time I have with her...for this year might be the year she flies off on her own...who decided kids must leave the "nest?'  Roman is still home with me...demanding he's not a baby and changing from little boy to big boy...I so badly want to call him baby, even as he tells me no...and tell him to just be...just be you little Roman.  Perfect little I whisper baby so he doesn't hear many changes.  All that I am, is mom, it has defined me for more than half my life.  I embraced it from the beginning and loved it..because I adored so completely the little souls that looked at me with their big lovely eyes...looked at me and to me for everything.  Such joy...such do I even begin to imagine leaving my son in a dorm room...all the joy that goes with him overwhelms me.  Sad...sad...sad...I am so not ready for that day...the thought of it causes me to feel this panic like nothing I have felt before.  Does he have any idea what he means to me?  Does she?  I hope so...I hope that they are filled with self love because of how I have loved them.

We bought a beautiful Virginia....I love my house...I love that I have a place for my kids to call home.  I love feeling settled and being surrounded by the beauty of Loudoun County...but we are in Virginia...still...sometimes it takes my breath away and I feel like I'm suffocating.  I miss my friends.  Just miss them.  There is nothing like the comfort of friends...feeling at peace with people that really know you and love you anyway and just love you.  So my hope is that this year settles into a rhythm of joy and the assurance that we are in the right place...even if it's just for a time.   And I remember that they do come home...even if only for a holiday or a long weekend or a summer...they do come home...there's no place like home.  Oh, and may they always know how much I want them to come home...So behind on this blog...
Park time with my little loves

His favorite lunch!  Grilled cheese as only the bowling alley can do!

Mommy had to add sparkly eggs!

Easter colors...

My big and little..a rare sighting of them together...

I love how they love...

Mommy...take pictures of me!

Pottery painting...concentration.

Mommy, how does this look?


Cooling off on a HOT day!  I was melting!

You look awesome RoRo!

Kindergarden check-up!  Being brave!

Time to bat!

Coach "dad" helping!

Run Rocco!

Pizza party!

The assistant coach enjoying pizza with his team.

Daddy cuddles

Preschool Graduation party...with friend Brody.

Eating my bagel...yet refusing to share that Brownie!

Rocco and cousin Kaydence!

Little dolls!

Nothing as fun as cousin sleepovers!

This duo didn't make it through the night...

That face...melts me.