A trip down mommy lane...

She wasn't perfect.  She might even have been a little unconventional as she tried to be traditional.  But some of us struggle with labels and titles and expectations more than others.  Some of us are made for it and others just don't like it.  It's a hard and sometimes thankless job being at home day in and day out.  You can get lost and while those who work can escape and retreat to home, when you work at home, the job is never ending.  I never knew what she meant when she said, "I just don't know who I am anymore" until I became a mom and a wife.  But for me, there is freedom where she had none.  For me, there is honor and respect and constant adoration and most importantly choices.  For her, it was her duty whether she liked it or not.  So, if she wasn't always happy, if she wasn't always fair, if she wasn't always kind maybe it was because she felt constricted and trapped.  I defied that life, I defied what felt to me like chains and bondage   because I never wanted to have to submit my freedom to anyone.  I watched that life, year after year, rip the soul out of my beautiful and vibrant mother.  How could it not?  You become a non-entity with no ability to make choices for yourself or your children.  You are in essence a child as an adult.  It's a ridiculous place to be and obviously a miserable place.  And what happens to the withering soul...it cries and  screams and lashes out and it sleeps....

She slept... We, or at least I wanted her so badly because she was mine and I knew she would treat me fair.  She made us dinner and she cleaned up and she went back to sleep because she was depressed...because "she," the woman was disappearing or maybe even gone.

She worked hard. She turned every house into a home.  Our house was always clean and we helped to clean it.  She taught me to be responsible and to clean up after myself and to take pride in my surroundings.

She brought us coloring books sometimes when she had extra money (which wasn't often).  Just for fun.  She always knew the right one to get me...I would know then that she knew me and I felt happy inside and we shared a smile and I knew she was mine.   She taught me that especially in times of stress my children are watching me and that they need me.

She yelled and screamed and jumped in pools with her clothes on and banged her head on the wall and cried and sobbed and hid in her closet.  And then...she moved on.  She taught me to cope in whatever means are necessary.

She is strong.  She stood up just in time and sacrificed her home for her sanity.  That takes guts and courage and strength.  But she knew what she had to do and even though it might have broken her heart to go, she had to go to regain herself and to be whole and to be happy.  She taught me that above all else, my happiness matters.

She gave up her religion because it no longer sustained her even with the guilt that came with it.  She trusted herself and she denied what she knew wasn't her truth because guilt is not a reason to stay and she knew her heart wasn't in it.  She wouldn't do it half way just to save face.  Her faith in a God that wanted her to be happy guided her.  She taught me that I am worthy and valuable and that I should trust myself.

She smiled....and when she did I beamed from the inside out because there is nothing more precious than to see her happy and smiling and laughing.  The whole world was right when she was happy.  She taught me empathy and to care about others.

She never stopped dreaming...or hoping...or wishing....She taught me that I must decide what I need and want and to persevere.

She endured and she survived.  She lost the most sacred thing a mother holds.  Her child.  And she survived.  I know now that I will survive anything that life throws at me.

She asks and sincerely seeks forgiveness.  Her mistakes have tormented her and she graciously acknowledges them.  She seeks understanding but never makes excuses and she grieved the harm that was done.  She taught me that my mistakes do not define me and that  with sincerity of heart, I can forgive and be forgiven.

She was with me for the birth of all of my children, whether in the delivery room or in my home.  She held them each as newborns and has adored them.  She taught me that I am important to her and that she loves me.

She is beautiful inside and out.  The lessons I have learned from her cannot be measured.  I am a better mom, wife and woman because of her presence in my life.  I will defend her passionately for all of my days.  I am proud to call her mommy.  She is mine...